August, the month of what?

Hello, everyone! It’s been three months since I wrote a column and I’ve missed our time apart. I hope all you fine folks of Weston County and beyond have had a wonderful summer and I wish everyone a warm (hot?) August welcome back. As I was pondering what topic to choose for this column, I decided to look up awarenesses and causes for this month. And guess what I found? August has many obscure awarenesses, as does every month, but one in particular piqued my interest. One of August’s causes happens to be “National Civility Month” (Good, Good, Good, 2024). 

Civility is defined by Oxford Languages (n.d.) as “formal politeness and courtesy in behavior or speech.” I think civility is seriously lacking in society today, but this isn’t an opinion or philosophical piece, it’s a mental health piece, so I’ll stay in my wheelhouse. One of the first things that came to my mind when I read “civility” was “communication.” Healthy, assertive communication makes for civil communication. Google’s AI function (I know, I know, don’t hate me) says that “healthy communication is the ability to exchange information, ideas, and feelings in a clear, respectful, and empathetic manner. It involves active listening, clear articulation of thoughts and needs, and a focus on understanding and mutual respect. This type of communication builds trust, strengthens relationships and allows for the constructive resolution of conflicts.” Lack of healthy communication skills is something I come across frequently in my professional life – and honestly my personal life as well. And, happily, helping to remedy this lack is one of my favorite things – especially in myself. Communication skills are something that absolutely no one is born with, and very few of us learn naturally without some sort of formal training in one way shape or form. However, I do agree with Google’s AI and I’m convinced that these skills are absolutely essential to healthy, mutual, civil relationships, so I’d like to devote this article to that end.

I supposed it wasn’t necessarily fair to state that healthy communication skills aren’t learned without formal training; it’s probably more accurate to state that these types of communication skills about difficult, awkward, embarrassing, uncomfortable situations aren’t learned as we naturally absorb information from our experiences. This is where we seem to have the most trouble being able to be healthy, assertive and civil. And this is precisely where we need these skills the most. I have a “magic formula” for communication that I use and share frequently, that is a solid template for engaging in difficult or uncomfortable conversations. And I do mean conversation. We don’t want to talk at someone, prove a point or have a “gotcha” moment. We want to express how we’re feeling, what we’re thinking and engage in meaningful dialogue. 

I like to think of this formula as having three parts, just like an essay: an introduction, a body and a conclusion. The “umbrellas,” or overarching principles for the whole thing, are keeping the body calm and using a soft and even tone. I’ve developed the magic formula over several years of doing therapy, from many, many different sources. Some that stand out are: The Gottman Institute, TherapistAid, Therapy in a Nutshell, The Beck Institute, Simon Sinek, William Uri, Jefferson Fisher, and various but unremembered TED/TEDx Talks. 

The two main components of the introduction for the “magic formula” are these: 1) Say the quiet part out loud and 2) get buy-in. Saying the quiet part out loud is like addressing the elephant in the room. In clinical terms, it’s called meta-communication, or communicating about communicating. It simply means that if a conversation might be uncomfortable, awkward or difficult, say so. If the other person might not want to have the conversation, say so. Getting buy-in is simply asking them for permission to have the conversation. This might sound something like this: “Hey, I know this is an uncomfortable topic for both of us, and honestly I’m pretty hesitant to even bring it up, but can we talk together for a minute?” If the other person says no, I encourage the pursuit of buy-in: “OK, when can we talk? This is really important to me, when would be good for you?”

The body of the “magic formula” consists of three or four parts: 1) an I-Statement, 2) an “it seems like” statement, 3) an optional “I need” statement and 4) a question. Somewhere along the line, we have gone awry with I-Statements. In our typical vernacular, we will say “I feel like …” and this is nothing more than a soft expression of a thought. An actual I-Statement is “I feel” followed by an emotion, which is one word, followed by a behavioral explanation, which is a statement of facts. When “I feel” is followed by the word “like,” we are not in I-Statement territory, we’re in soft-thought territory. A good I-statement takes responsibility for our own emotions, while tactfully describing a problem (TherapistAid, n.d.). A bonus tip for those who aren’t very well versed at recognizing or naming emotions, “upset” is a good catch-all for unpleasant feelings. The “it seems like” statement is the place to express thoughts. Sometimes, we are expressing a need and can add the option of an “I need” statement. Lastly, the question. The question can be open or closed, and it turns this formula into a dialogue because it puts the ball in the other person’s court. It could sound something like this: “I feel worried when you come home so late without calling or texting. It seems like you don’t care about me when you do that. I need you to check in with me so I’m not sitting here worrying about you. How can we make this happen?”

The cool thing about the body of the “magic formula” is that it can be used in a wash-rinse-repeat cycle. Many times, we feel pressured to have all the right things to say at the ready, that we must be totally prepared for all manner of scenarios. The magic formula allows for real-time, effective communication if we are mindful of our feelings. If the other person’s response is less than charitable to the example above (i.e., “it’s not my problem you feel worried, you need to chill out”), the formula can again be used. A response might sound something like this: “I feel upset when you use that tone of voice with me. It seems like you’re trying to belittle me. Did you mean for it to sound like that?” And on it goes. Once a person is familiar with the basics, many different iterations can be used for many different situations.

Finally, the closing: 1) Thank them, 2) summarize and 3) get clarification. “Thank you so much for talking with me, I really appreciate your willingness to work on this together. Just so I’m clear, you’re going to make it a point to get hold of me somehow when you’re going to be more than 20 minutes later than you thought. Is that right?” Easy-peasy, lemon-squeezy. Actually, probably not accurate again, so “simple, but not easy” would be a more apt description. I encourage practice before trying it, and then trying it in low-risk situations first. Above all, lean into the discomfort you’re experiencing and use that to fuel the formula. After all, change happens in the uncomfortable!